Thought Bubbles by Ruthie

No one wants to be an annoying customer in a bar. You know, a customer who turns into an anecdote for the bar staff. To avoid this, take my honest and well-researched advice on board. Trust me, I’m a bartender. 

How to Enter the Bar 

When entering a busy bar, you’ll probably need to show your ID just like everyone else, regardless of age (it’s usually a security thing). If you’re much older than 18, be sure to make incredulous comments about your age and share your thoughts about this arbitrary activity. Say things like “I’m 30, this is ridiculous”, or “Oh, you think I’m young, why thank you!” It’s amusing and original and ensures that we spend the whole evening saying the same things over and over again. We love feeling like a stuck record. 

How to Get Served

Eye contact is a total waste of time when waiting at a bar to order. Try to avoid eye contact at all costs, preferably by looking at your phone. Once you make the grand effort to move your eyeballs up for a few seconds and realise that other people have been served before you, remember to look really annoyed. Shout things like “I was here first” – because it is very endearing to hear an adult customer sound like a spoiled toddler. 

How to Order Your Drinks

When you’re standing and waiting to be served, it makes absolutely no sense to have considered what you and your mates want to drink. So once you’re being served, take as long as you can to ask each of your mates what they want. Then, say your order in a totally jumbled way. Be sure to add on a few more drinks just as you are about to pay. 

What to Do Whilst Your Drink Is Being Made

Whilst your drink is being made, peer over the bar like an inspector. Watch the bartender put ice in your glass and don’t say or do anything. When you receive your drink, turn on a whiney voice and say “I said no ice”. This will suitably test the bartender’s sanity, memory and patience and make for a fun exchange. 

P.S. Take your ice and eat it. 

How to Ask For a Discount 

All of us like to save a bit of money here and there. Just like you would ask in Starbucks if they can “make a big-sized-small-coffee shake”, wink wink, you should do the same in the bar. Simply ask for a big-single-shot, a generous-single-like-a-double-but-charged-as-a-single. Wink, wink. As we know, the option just to order a double shot and pay for it doesn’t exist. 

How to Pay 

When paying for your drink, it’s fair enough that you may want to pay in cash. Unfortunately, some places only accept card payments. If this is the case, kick up a big fuss. It’s really important to take out your frustration on a lowly bartender, paid minimum wage because they are of course the ultimate decision-makers of the business. Make sure you say things like “It’s a disgrace”, “Do you want the government following you?“ and “The Queen would be turning in her grave”. Comments like these provide much–needed content for bartenders to gossip about and bond over.

How to Speak to Bartenders 

Most bartenders have a very low education level and do nothing apart from pouring pints. It is, therefore, best if you talk to us like we are beneath you, and rather stupid. If we make a human error at 2 am after a 7-hour shift, be sure to act as though it’s the worst mistake of mankind. Adjust your tone of voice to sound utterly disgraced whilst you declare that “I wanted Moretti, not Kronenburg”. Remember not to ever say thank you.

How to Drink Your Shots 

Not many people know that you should only drink three-quarters of a shot of alcohol. The other quarter of the shot should be spilt onto the bar and spat out in equal measure. There are some special rules for tequila. You have to sprinkle salt everywhere like confetti and then chew the lime and spit it out so it looks like a regurgitated insect. The shot glasses, lime and salt should be left scattered across the bar. Bar staff love cleaning up after shots and other customers will appreciate leaning their arms on a gritty, citrusy pool of liquor and saliva. 

Cheers!

How to Use the Toilets 

Toilets are rarely used in bars as people don’t tend to consume liquids. This means that if you want to go, you can take as long as you like. It’s also a very sociable, clean and homely place to hang out with friends. Try to squeeze at least three of you into a cubicle and stay there to talk about your relationship problems. You may not know this, but the people in the queue desperately tensing their pelvic floor muscles really appreciate the gossip. 

How to Leave the Bar

The party never stops! Even when the music ends, the lights go on and you’ve been asked to leave, you should just keep on partying! Don’t let the increasingly tetchy and mildly sleep-deprived staff get in your way. We don’t really care about finishing our shift on time and getting home at a reasonable hour in the early morning. All we care about is that you can stumble around on the dancefloor to your heart’s content, among a sea of empty plastic pint glasses, looking like you’re having the time of your life. We’re glad you’re having fun (and also really really don’t want to just go home). 

And no, you can’t have a cheeky last one for the road. The bar is closed. 

So, next time you go out, be sure to follow my advice. It will enhance your experience and will make you the best customer in the world. You’re welcome.